(Name changed and permission granted to use quote)
“What would I do if I was more confident?” Catherine looked at me a little wide eyed.
“I’d be able to swan into my boss’ office and hand my notice in. I’d say blow the money, change my hair, hire a personal trainer, go shopping for an entirely new wardrobe. You know what?” She said with a huge smile, “I think I’d go speed dating! I’ve always thought that was a good idea! I’d go on holiday and wear a bikini and I wouldn’t care who was looking. I’d also stop in the park and have a chat to the rest of the mums when ever I felt like it”
“So what’s stopped you from doing all these wonderful things?” I ask.
“I haven’t got the confidence”
“What is confidence?”
“Confidence is me doing all the things I just told you”
“What does the word confidence mean to you?” (She thinks for a long time)
“Freedom”
“Freedom from…? (She thinks for an incredibly long time!)
“Worrying what other people think”
When I tell people I am a confidence coach one of the first things they often ask me is “How do you coach some one how to be confident?”
For me what they are actually asking is “What is confidence?” My simple answer is self esteem.
We humans love comparing ourselves to others. If we are feeling low about ourselves our attentions will usually gravitate to our nearest ideal. For instance the nearest ‘beautiful, talented, together person’ who personifies everything we think we would like to be. Then just to make ourselves feel that extra bit worse we formulate a painful check list comparing ourselves against them. Strange aren’t we? - Instead of looking inside ourselves for confirmation of our ‘brilliance’, we compare externally in order to confirm that we have every reason to feel this way and we are simply not good enough!
If you believe you have never done this, I would ask you to think again! Next time you feel intimidated, inadequate or self-conscious, take a moment and realise that this feeling is never only about you, it is always about how you see yourself in contrast to others.
The more I coach, the more I realise that most people have been focusing on external measures to shape their self worth. Physical benchmarks that they aspire to in order to be better, more confident or more like someone else.
As a coach, understanding and learning about the way that we think and compare in this way has brought me to a whole different pattern of questioning. Usually the questioning results in the client revealing their own version of what self esteem is and how it has affected them. Whether it is getting the job they want, looking for the right partner or social achievements, they begin to understand that their lack of confidence is due to their self image and what they need to do to change it. I believe it is important to question the client directly, asking them “What is it to be confident?”, “What does confidence mean?” I find a lot of my clients have never thought about what confidence actually is and where it should come from. It is vital that they understand what confidence means to them first before they can learn how to raise its level within them.
So what is it then? – To be confident. In my opinion one of the true internal measures of confidence is when we stop looking for admiration & applause. That is not to say that admiration and applause aren’t nice to receive, but a person with true confidence honestly doesn’t need it.
Anyway…a few of my thoughts today.
Jo Temple
www.thelivelifecompany.com (under construction until 15th March)
“I’d be able to swan into my boss’ office and hand my notice in. I’d say blow the money, change my hair, hire a personal trainer, go shopping for an entirely new wardrobe. You know what?” She said with a huge smile, “I think I’d go speed dating! I’ve always thought that was a good idea! I’d go on holiday and wear a bikini and I wouldn’t care who was looking. I’d also stop in the park and have a chat to the rest of the mums when ever I felt like it”
“So what’s stopped you from doing all these wonderful things?” I ask.
“I haven’t got the confidence”
“What is confidence?”
“Confidence is me doing all the things I just told you”
“What does the word confidence mean to you?” (She thinks for a long time)
“Freedom”
“Freedom from…? (She thinks for an incredibly long time!)
“Worrying what other people think”
When I tell people I am a confidence coach one of the first things they often ask me is “How do you coach some one how to be confident?”
For me what they are actually asking is “What is confidence?” My simple answer is self esteem.
We humans love comparing ourselves to others. If we are feeling low about ourselves our attentions will usually gravitate to our nearest ideal. For instance the nearest ‘beautiful, talented, together person’ who personifies everything we think we would like to be. Then just to make ourselves feel that extra bit worse we formulate a painful check list comparing ourselves against them. Strange aren’t we? - Instead of looking inside ourselves for confirmation of our ‘brilliance’, we compare externally in order to confirm that we have every reason to feel this way and we are simply not good enough!
If you believe you have never done this, I would ask you to think again! Next time you feel intimidated, inadequate or self-conscious, take a moment and realise that this feeling is never only about you, it is always about how you see yourself in contrast to others.
The more I coach, the more I realise that most people have been focusing on external measures to shape their self worth. Physical benchmarks that they aspire to in order to be better, more confident or more like someone else.
As a coach, understanding and learning about the way that we think and compare in this way has brought me to a whole different pattern of questioning. Usually the questioning results in the client revealing their own version of what self esteem is and how it has affected them. Whether it is getting the job they want, looking for the right partner or social achievements, they begin to understand that their lack of confidence is due to their self image and what they need to do to change it. I believe it is important to question the client directly, asking them “What is it to be confident?”, “What does confidence mean?” I find a lot of my clients have never thought about what confidence actually is and where it should come from. It is vital that they understand what confidence means to them first before they can learn how to raise its level within them.
So what is it then? – To be confident. In my opinion one of the true internal measures of confidence is when we stop looking for admiration & applause. That is not to say that admiration and applause aren’t nice to receive, but a person with true confidence honestly doesn’t need it.
Anyway…a few of my thoughts today.
Jo Temple
www.thelivelifecompany.com (under construction until 15th March)
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